Dateline: 25 December 2010

Reuters news service reported early today that Time was stolen late last year. The shocking theft was uncovered in a Central Intelligence Agency memo posted on the infamous Wikileaks web site. The memo went on to document the U.S. government’s involvement in the cover up of the theft of Time. The CIA director composed the memo, which seems to have been sent directly to the Oval Office. “Time was discovered missing at 11:59:59pm on December 31, 2009, by members of the MI-5 special intelligence unit in Britain. Technically this means the year 2010 never arrived. We predict widespread panic should this discovery be made public, and recommend the highest level of official secrecy. Our psychologists note this is likely to result in a pervasive feeling among members of the general public that the year has gone by far too quickly, accompanied by a vague sense of having accomplished nothing. Those aged forty to fifty-five will be most susceptible to this phenomenon. However, it is likely to induce a great deal of meaningless shopping, which should provide quite a boost to the economy.”

The CIA, MI-5, and the President were all unavailable for comment at press time.